Giant Pig Unable to Escape Young Killer

Wild pigs throughout the South have been in mourning since the brutal slaying of Old Hickory Nuts, a half-ton feral boar (Sus scrofa), in the woods of east Alabama on May 3rd.

The 11-year-old killer allegedly claims that he shot the victim eight times with a .50-calibre revolver, then chased him for three hours through hilly woods of the Lost Creek Plantation before finishing him off, gangland-style, with a point-blank shot.

According to an AP story, the shooter boasted, "It feels really good. It's a good accomplishment. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big." Wildlife experts agreed, saying that there probably wasn't anything that big on the entire continent left to kill. "I suppose he could sneak into a zoo and gun down an elephant or a couple of hippos," said Deputy Director Snarkley Rangle of the Alabama Dept. of Conservation, "but that was probably it for truly giant wild animals in North America."

According to the shooter's accomplices who accompanied him in the death-stalk, and to numerous animal witnesses, Mr. Nuts declined several opportunities to turn about in order to trample and mangle his assailant with his 1060-pound bulk before disembowelling him with his razor-sharp 5-inch tusks. "It wouldn't have been much of a contest," said a distraught Sporky-teats, a young sow and one of Nuts's estimated nine-hundred great-granddaughters, at a recent memorial service. "He was just a little kid, even with that pistol. Grampy Nuts could have torn him apart like a heap of oak leaves on a truffle patch. There would have been shreds and gobs of little [the shooter] hanging from the trees. But Grampy was a gentleman to the end." Other family members declined to speak to reporters.

There was no burial, as the terrorists returned later to haul the remains out of the woods with a backhoe. According to the gunman's family, the nine-foot-long corpse was used to manufacture 500-700 pounds of sausage, all of which has since been eaten.

"His bones are in a trash-masher, " eulogized Ms. Teats, "but I'm sure Grampy's soul is in Hog Heaven."

(Grampy Nuts Goes to Hog Heaven by S. Kornfeld © 2006)